What Good Am I?

Don’t look now but your heartache is showing. If it was anything like mine you tried to fill in that big empty space in your heart with God only knows what. Scary thing. That you can be so null and void and still be walking around. Man, you don’t even know how many ways you’re broken. If you could look for a second into that black yawning need of your own shame and guilt and pain and confusion you would stop breathing. It’s not even about the latest gut stomping disappointments and betrayals. It’s a pain that goes back so far it can’t be traced. It’s a generational thing, maybe even a humanity thing. The echoing rhetoric of ‘what am I?’ ‘What good am I?” What does it mean? Why does it hurt? Why can’t I learn to get things right? Why don’t I ever learn from my own mistakes? How many chances do I get? I know it’s going to end, When will it end? Will I be able to stand the pain of my own demise? And the pain builds on top of the heap of disappointments already there until what’s left is only smoking wreckage.

Then the phoenix. A hand reached down for me, and God never, never let me forget how You, You alone turned back for me. You lifted me out of the ashes of what I had made of my life and You made me new just like You promised. So long I had been obsessed with my own attempts at getting my situation right. There was no way out. Like a gerbil on a wheel, I was going around using frantic energy to get nowhere. I was a sinner, Lord and defeated by myself. I had been benched by the enemy but You, in Your glorious mercy, had other plans. You put me back in the game and I swear I want to play my heart out for You. On the wings of an eagle, I have new perspective, a whole new life because I made one right decision, to listen to Your voice. Let me make a difference, Jesus. Let me be Your words, Your hands in the time I have left. If only I would have concentrated on You from the beginning but now I know I want to concentrate on living Your way from today until the end. I know now what good I am in the world. I am any kind of good You want to make of me. You show me Your Real Face. And You are not what I expected. I’m in awe and I am reborn and I am blown away and I can’t describe the love that You give and the love that You are. Lord, I'm just a fool and a stupid ass. I've got a big mouth and everyone who's ever met me knows it's quite large enough to hold my foot since it's fit in there many, many times. But in Your hands I am a poet, an ambassador and a light on a hill. Let me sing, Lord of the miracles You've promised me because when they arrive, eveyone will know how You keep Your Word. The heavens and earth will pass away, but not so, Lord, Your Word.

Ecstatic contentment tonight.

Peace to all,

Ki

TGIF

The end of the week draws near. And what have I done? I’ve learned of prayers, a crime, a miracle. I’ve worked hard and laughed a lot. There is something different about me this week. I’ve grown younger. I walk a path that seems made of golden stones. The God Who knows all and everyone, thinks of me. I was formed for His pleasure. Doting parents delight in the play and the progress of their children. What a precious thought – that the Most High God delights in me! Is there anyone else I need to please?

Isaiah 40:27-31 27 Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? 28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Sarang hae - I love you (Korean)

Bring –

Sarang hae

Bring your fearful, trusting smile.

Bring your courage and transparency.

Bring your scars and hopes and history.

I will bring the pen

to write the last chapter.

I will bring the glass to mirror unfathomable joy

Bring your wing

And I, mine and

we will fly on the breath of love,

my gift in exchange for your treasure,

sharing all that was fashioned for sharing,

two vines of tender spring green

into this season of unfathomable joy.

There will be only one more sunset

and we will experience it together.

The purpose of souls

will be our story.

as I wait for you

2-2007

Lord, God, through tears, though I trust, though I throw myself upon Your mercies with joy and anticipation, can this dream be real? Lord, though I may be mocked and mistaken, You never, ever will. How have You given me this vision? Can this dried heart yet live again? If I have dared to believe You, will You make me your American Sarai? You have dared me to dream and how I dream, Lord! How I dream! I wait upon Your will with unfathomable joy.

Small World 2007

What joy! How small my world had been and I never knew it. Letters from Iwo Jima directed by Clint Eastwood is something Americans can be proud of. Its release perfectly fits the Lord's plan for my life at this particular phase of it. How very little I had understood about Eastern cultures. I had painted what I thought to be God's face with wide brush-strokes across the planet as I understood it. But God is capable of no less than an intricately detailed masterpiece on every level. How often I like to think what a great Christian I am, following Christ's footsteps as long as it doesn't interfere too much in what I've got going at the time. But really, when do I step out and challenge my own thinking? God loves every soul ever born, every face in every country. Haven't I said many times, like a mantra He loves rich and poor, black and white and on and on, and so I love them because I am commanded to. But can I love them as more than theory or cliche? Haven't I said, "Yes, yes, I love everyone", but inside think they are somehow less favored or of no real interest or consequence to me since they are not living within the golden shores of America? What a world I have missed! And how can I even paint with that wide brush the word "them" and mean, the rest of the world?

In His unfathomable wisdom and inexhaustible grace He has shown me so many wonderful things. So many of them in the last few months. The life given to each of us by our Father is like us giving crayons and paper to our kids. Whatever they do with them we will keep, just because our children did it. Do we choose to use our lives for fighting? Going outside the lines? Do we try to create works of art to please our Father? Iwo Jima. What is it? A part of Japan such as Colorado might be to us. From the comfort of my place in history I can only speculate about the feelings swirling at the time of the battle. The movie shows the battle from an unfamiliar viewpoint for most Americans. No doubt every battle is fought by people. Just people. Farmers, business people, taxi drivers and bakers. People who have lives apart from war. During this one life we're each given, we hope to experience peace and comfort outside of the horrid jaws of war. Every nation has its farmers and taxi drivers. "They" are "us". If you don't think so then give up all your favorite "foreign" foods. You are what you eat, Friends. Sushi, anyone?



Greetings of Peace and Friendship to All in 2007.