I'm anticipating a discussion soon with my pastor. He spoke last week on the work of the Holy Spirit. The topic - How do we know when He is acting in our lives? Pastor asked me today to drop him that e-mail I promised and tell him how God has been acting in my life. I said "He's been going through it with a bulldozer." It has certainly been an adventure, following God's will. His ways are not our ways - man, they sure aren't. But bulldozers clear away. They remove mountains of junk and prepare a place for new construction. Praise God for considering this site worthy of re-development.
My divorce was final this week. Now I suppose I am free to concentrate on getting closer to Him. It's with a sigh that I begin this new phase of life. Grateful that I'm still here after all that's happened to me but wishing this 2nd marriage - the real one, I thought, had worked out. That happy-ever-after ending sure is elusive. But I will trust in God to make it all right. If I can't trust in love, or a spouse or a dream then I know despite it all that I can trust in Jesus Christ.
"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him" Job 13:15
It's been hard to trust and believe the unbelievable - that He wanted me to walk away from my marriage. Still, we believe that He was born of a virgin, brought the dead back to life and many other miracles. Divorce is an un-miracle, the death of the miracle of finding love in this cold world. But this is God's world. My Savior brings life out of death. Does it every springtime. I'm waiting on You, Lord. Heal this heart.
God bless.
Ki
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
My Buddy Pete
You've got to love Peter, Simon Peter, the fisherman guy. Ordinary guy, ordinary job. I like to think I'm a lot like him. He was the first disciple called by Christ. Right hand man to God, you might say. Impulsive, shoot from the hip. Putting his big foot in his mouth over and over. Just like me. When Jesus announced he was going to suffer and die Peter jumped in "Oh no way I'll let that happen, Lord!" Whoa Man, why didn't somebody tell you to settle down? Maybe once in a while it wouldn't kill you to wait and listen for an explanation. Jesus said He would wash the disciples' feet and Peter flipped "I'd never allow you to wash MY feet, Lord!" Jesus said the disciples would disown Him and Peter yelled "Never! If I have to die with you I'll never disown you!" Peter - yeah, I'm just like you, buddy. Big hero when there's no heat on. Thank You Lord for choosing Peter. Because since You did then there's hope for me. Thank You for looking into my heart and seeing what I want to do, not what I actually end up doing. Thank You for knowing how much I need You.
You take me to the garden with You and what do I do? Fall asleep. Then when the crisis comes I'm jumping to my feet sputtering "I'm here - been here all along, Lord!" Whipping out my sword. Ready to attack first and ask questions later. Jesus, I'm not afraid to be first like Peter and weep when I see my mistakes, and beg you to wash my hands and head not just my feet. Just let me come to the place where he got to in the end. "Look at us", he told the lame man at the Beautiful Gate. "I don't have any money, but what I have I'm giving to you. In the name of Jesus Christ, get up and walk." Acts 3:1-6 Do everything bigger, Peter. Big mouth, big attitude - thank You Lord for including a guy like Peter in Your perfect plan. Thank You for showing me his story. In the end, Lord let me say You used me for something, too. Like him, let me be a conduit for Your grace. Doesn't even have to be something big. Turning wild hearts to Your will - like Peter's, like mine - now that's big.
You take me to the garden with You and what do I do? Fall asleep. Then when the crisis comes I'm jumping to my feet sputtering "I'm here - been here all along, Lord!" Whipping out my sword. Ready to attack first and ask questions later. Jesus, I'm not afraid to be first like Peter and weep when I see my mistakes, and beg you to wash my hands and head not just my feet. Just let me come to the place where he got to in the end. "Look at us", he told the lame man at the Beautiful Gate. "I don't have any money, but what I have I'm giving to you. In the name of Jesus Christ, get up and walk." Acts 3:1-6 Do everything bigger, Peter. Big mouth, big attitude - thank You Lord for including a guy like Peter in Your perfect plan. Thank You for showing me his story. In the end, Lord let me say You used me for something, too. Like him, let me be a conduit for Your grace. Doesn't even have to be something big. Turning wild hearts to Your will - like Peter's, like mine - now that's big.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Like Fruit?
Sunday- I had the privilege of attending church this morning. Ah, America! Any church I wanted. At one point the pastor said and I'll quote him since I wrote it down word for word, "Christian, you cannot speak the word of God if you neglect the word of God." Of course that means to read the Bible daily but I was struck by the "word". The word "word" appears 4 times in those 2 sentences. It's important. Words are the basis for civilization, abstract thought, nearly all communication. The most amazing usage of the term "word" is the 1st sentence of the Gospel of John.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."
Check it out - the Word WAS God. This was once explained to me that God spoke all matter into being. I'm not sure if that's all there is to that thought but it's interesting. I guess words are more important than I had first considered. Because I work in a corporate culture I have taken part in what is known as Meyers Briggs testing. Basically, it is a test that determines your work and relational style - returning a 4 letter code so that others who are familiar with the test and code know how to interact with you, or rather with your type of personality. My profile usually comes up "ENFJ", a people person whose descriptive catch phrase is "smooth talking persuader". I'm the one who gets everyone on the bus to start singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Words are powerful. The words we speak in anger, the words that someone waits to hear that never come. How many times have I said things I wish I could take back? Psalm 39 says I will guard my ways lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle.
So for an ENFJ, to not speak is a daunting task. Please, if I can't keep my mouth shut, let the right things come out of it. I want to lift my voice in praise. I want to use my words to uplift, encourage, and if possible, instruct, to help my brothers and sisters along their path. The gospel says that a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. I think that the analogy of bearing fruit is particularly beautiful. I've seen old trees with dry grey bark and most of its branches dead and bare, still sending up one green shoot heavy with apples or pears. Lord, let my tongue say things pleasing to You, words that bring life and encouragement. Let me be that tree still sending branches toward Your glory and offering up good fruit. That's the extent of the words I've got to say tonight.
God bless.
Ki
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."
Check it out - the Word WAS God. This was once explained to me that God spoke all matter into being. I'm not sure if that's all there is to that thought but it's interesting. I guess words are more important than I had first considered. Because I work in a corporate culture I have taken part in what is known as Meyers Briggs testing. Basically, it is a test that determines your work and relational style - returning a 4 letter code so that others who are familiar with the test and code know how to interact with you, or rather with your type of personality. My profile usually comes up "ENFJ", a people person whose descriptive catch phrase is "smooth talking persuader". I'm the one who gets everyone on the bus to start singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Words are powerful. The words we speak in anger, the words that someone waits to hear that never come. How many times have I said things I wish I could take back? Psalm 39 says I will guard my ways lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle.
So for an ENFJ, to not speak is a daunting task. Please, if I can't keep my mouth shut, let the right things come out of it. I want to lift my voice in praise. I want to use my words to uplift, encourage, and if possible, instruct, to help my brothers and sisters along their path. The gospel says that a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. I think that the analogy of bearing fruit is particularly beautiful. I've seen old trees with dry grey bark and most of its branches dead and bare, still sending up one green shoot heavy with apples or pears. Lord, let my tongue say things pleasing to You, words that bring life and encouragement. Let me be that tree still sending branches toward Your glory and offering up good fruit. That's the extent of the words I've got to say tonight.
God bless.
Ki
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Homeless, On the Beach
Saturday, I had the pleasure of a friend's company for breakfast. Afterwards, driving back from Denny's - I saw a homeless man. You've seen him too every now and again. He had the prerequisite sign "Homeless. Please help. God bless." I wasn't in the correct lane to make a response - or was that the excuse I used today?
"But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?" 1 John 3:17
To my credit, I have gone around the block in the past, come back around and done what was in my heart. I've had to ignore all the rationalizations in my head but it sure felt right afterwards. The voice of God, I've found is truly the still, small voice, (1 Kings 19:11&12) a subtle suggestion reaffirming the morals. This voice speaks to the heart, not the ears. Those who know me have heard this before but it is hard to contemplate God's love. I once tried to figure out just how He could love each and every one of us. Some of us are just bad and totally unloveable. Also, He sure doesn't seem to love some people, the impoverished for example. In His indefinable wisdom He enlightened me. In my indefinable simplicity I can't even imagine why He bothered.
I was shown that each of us; rich, poor, or just indefinably simple, was once a pure, tender infant. He loves every one. Why then does it seem He has treated the poor badly? Again, just a little thought and study reveals - when He came to earth in the form of Our Savior, He was born into a family that would be considered today, the working poor. Later in His ministry Christ even went so far as to point that out, that He had no house of His own, no place to lay His head. He said also that it was hard for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom, a comment that seems to favor the poor. And condemn me. Am I rich? Hell, no. Compared to the guy with the sign? Hmmn.
So where does that leave me? On the beach, that's where. I've found my journey toward spiritual maturity is like the beach, or more specific, like flotsam on the tide. I have come a long, long way from out in the middle of the ocean of worldly living. I make a little progress (like once in a while driving back to help the homeless) then I wash back. Still, I pray that I am heading inevitably toward the shore. John 21 tells the story of how the disciples came in from a bad night of fishing off the Sea of Tiberias. Jesus was waiting for them, even cooking their breakfast. That's the kind of God I'm signing up for. He knows what you've been through all that long, fruitless night. But just when you're the most tired and depressed, ready to give up and go home to drop, there He is waiting, and with a hot meal, no less!
His Grace to all,
Ki
"But whoever has this world's goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?" 1 John 3:17
To my credit, I have gone around the block in the past, come back around and done what was in my heart. I've had to ignore all the rationalizations in my head but it sure felt right afterwards. The voice of God, I've found is truly the still, small voice, (1 Kings 19:11&12) a subtle suggestion reaffirming the morals. This voice speaks to the heart, not the ears. Those who know me have heard this before but it is hard to contemplate God's love. I once tried to figure out just how He could love each and every one of us. Some of us are just bad and totally unloveable. Also, He sure doesn't seem to love some people, the impoverished for example. In His indefinable wisdom He enlightened me. In my indefinable simplicity I can't even imagine why He bothered.
I was shown that each of us; rich, poor, or just indefinably simple, was once a pure, tender infant. He loves every one. Why then does it seem He has treated the poor badly? Again, just a little thought and study reveals - when He came to earth in the form of Our Savior, He was born into a family that would be considered today, the working poor. Later in His ministry Christ even went so far as to point that out, that He had no house of His own, no place to lay His head. He said also that it was hard for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom, a comment that seems to favor the poor. And condemn me. Am I rich? Hell, no. Compared to the guy with the sign? Hmmn.
So where does that leave me? On the beach, that's where. I've found my journey toward spiritual maturity is like the beach, or more specific, like flotsam on the tide. I have come a long, long way from out in the middle of the ocean of worldly living. I make a little progress (like once in a while driving back to help the homeless) then I wash back. Still, I pray that I am heading inevitably toward the shore. John 21 tells the story of how the disciples came in from a bad night of fishing off the Sea of Tiberias. Jesus was waiting for them, even cooking their breakfast. That's the kind of God I'm signing up for. He knows what you've been through all that long, fruitless night. But just when you're the most tired and depressed, ready to give up and go home to drop, there He is waiting, and with a hot meal, no less!
His Grace to all,
Ki
Friday, May 20, 2005
Stepping toward Him
Brothers and Sisters-
This Journey has brought me to this moment. It is my purpose here to share some of my Journey with you. I believe the Lord is preparing me for some purpose that He has in mind. It has been a long lesson, mostly because I have been an uncooperative student, a slow slow learner. I have, like the proverbial sheep, gone my own way. That particular headstrong willingness to walk off cliffs while insisting that I am right has led to many wounds. Yet, Christ, ever faithful has healed them all. Will I ever learn? Possibly. Will I ultimately do His bidding? Matthew 21:28-30. Yeah, I will. But He knows how I am. Maybe I didn't trust.
People will disappoint you. Infrequently, they will surprise you by not disappointing you. Through it all there is one, and only one who can be counted on always. He's always waiting, always faithful. Why did He hang around waiting for me to turn my attention back to Him - so many times? If Jesus wasn't God I would accuse Him of being divine on the basis of His faithfulness, alone. It's unreal, bigger than what a mortal is capable of. In my first marriage I was unfaithful. In my second marriage though I was physically faithful, my mind and heart wandered, wishing for more fulfillment, wishing even that my partner would magically transform into the unspoiled and hopeful person I stood beside at our wedding. Instead, my spouse remained changed, and ultimately, too distant for me to tolerate. To say we went in different directions would be understated.
Where am I heading now? What does He want me to do? How gracious He is. How wonderful to think He still has a purpose for jaded losers like me. I'll just keep walking forward. I'll try trusting Him this time. I'll walk toward the light on this journey. After all, He's the most interesting person in this or any other world. I have been disappointed in so many things in this life. I'm willing to try it Your way now, Lord. Show me Your mercy.
This Journey has brought me to this moment. It is my purpose here to share some of my Journey with you. I believe the Lord is preparing me for some purpose that He has in mind. It has been a long lesson, mostly because I have been an uncooperative student, a slow slow learner. I have, like the proverbial sheep, gone my own way. That particular headstrong willingness to walk off cliffs while insisting that I am right has led to many wounds. Yet, Christ, ever faithful has healed them all. Will I ever learn? Possibly. Will I ultimately do His bidding? Matthew 21:28-30. Yeah, I will. But He knows how I am. Maybe I didn't trust.
People will disappoint you. Infrequently, they will surprise you by not disappointing you. Through it all there is one, and only one who can be counted on always. He's always waiting, always faithful. Why did He hang around waiting for me to turn my attention back to Him - so many times? If Jesus wasn't God I would accuse Him of being divine on the basis of His faithfulness, alone. It's unreal, bigger than what a mortal is capable of. In my first marriage I was unfaithful. In my second marriage though I was physically faithful, my mind and heart wandered, wishing for more fulfillment, wishing even that my partner would magically transform into the unspoiled and hopeful person I stood beside at our wedding. Instead, my spouse remained changed, and ultimately, too distant for me to tolerate. To say we went in different directions would be understated.
Where am I heading now? What does He want me to do? How gracious He is. How wonderful to think He still has a purpose for jaded losers like me. I'll just keep walking forward. I'll try trusting Him this time. I'll walk toward the light on this journey. After all, He's the most interesting person in this or any other world. I have been disappointed in so many things in this life. I'm willing to try it Your way now, Lord. Show me Your mercy.
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