Christmas 2005

Merry Christmas everybody. I was thinking about my daughter, the scientist and how at one point she attended church alone. (Yeah - I was lacking as a parent - or I was backsliding - I'm a sinner - no doubt) She was just a kid and she didn't need anybody to encourage or go with her. She wanted to find out about God on her own. Now, she wants to study conceptual physics. Science, to me, is just man trying to figure things out. Every scientist must come to the wall and that wall is either 1. something came from nothing or 2. something has existed forever. In my own foolish simplicity even I understand this truth. The answer? God. And not an infathomable careless God but a sweet father God. Boy, am I ever glad that this is the way of the world - the Way.

Christmas celebrates the real unfathomable - a love so big that it transforms. Transforms the world, transforms history, transforms lives. A God Who loves so much. Like an artist creating dolls, loving each one uniquely, an artist so skilled that He can give life to them. Lord, thank You for fashioning me with Your perfect artist hands and thanks for all the companions, too! The time is ripening when we'll all be gathered. I want to feel those big arms around me! Perfect Father, thanks for Christmas! You loved us so much that You started the whole thing. Every sunrise - Your Christmas gift to me! Every emotion - Your reminder that You gave me life! Every good and perfect gift is from You. And now! Now! 2006 to bring Your promise - Your miracle and Your reward to me! He gives beauty for ashes! Yes, Lord! Coolness!

Love, Ki

My Birthday Gift - Thanks Cuz!

Foot in Mouth Disease

OK. It’s the end of another day. I spent it just trying to get through, dealing with my fellow man and the world at large. Now I’ve got a moment to contemplate all the things I said today. I’ve done stupid things today and worse, said ridiculous things. What was I thinking? Whatever made me believe I was being clever? Polite smiles, small choked laughs of amusement. Are these people really agreeing with my inane blathering? Why didn’t I just stop talking? I don’t really have anything to say. Am I trying to fill all the silence because I’m trying to drown out thoughts? Why do I only now recall that even a fool is thought to be wise if he says nothing to prove the contrary?

Still I know You forgive me my faults, Lord even though I can’t fathom how I can stand myself one more minute knowing I have such a silly tongue, such a silly brain – You have a solution. You are the solution. You are sublime. When I think of you, Lord I think my best thoughts. What a mind stretch to try to think of the unbounded expanses of Your love and goodness! Please help me tomorrow, Lord since it’s too late for today. Please let me keep my thoughts and my river of silly words running in Your direction. If I can keep my thoughts on You then maybe my words would follow. Let me speak about You and there wouldn’t be foolishness in my speech. Your mercies are new every morning. How I count on that, good Father.

Give me pure and relevant words, Lord and give those I speak to poor memories for foolish chatter.

Goodnight.

Love, Ki

Love Defines Us

⁶ Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

⁷ Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

From this almost safe distance I can begin to see the shapes and shadows of what I lived through. And here I am trying to get through each new day. Most days are filled (blessedly) with many things to do, many people to speak to and interact with. But once in a while, in contemplative moments, I recall how I felt. I remember the beautiful emotion of love, the fulfillment of having someone at my side. The trust, the pouring forth of my deepest thoughts and dreams. What of those feelings? What of those years? Now that it is over, what place do I give to them? They were real and like a lost child, they cannot be forgotten because they were a part of me and sometimes, I think, the best part. My love was good, very good. Two lives were born of it. And my own life – I became myself through the strength and experience of the love I gave. It must be then that giving equals growing.

Now I know for instance that few things in life are guaranteed. Maybe not everyone gets the opportunity to love so strongly that they are changed. Maybe we all do. Maybe it is a decision that each of us must make regardless of whether or not the object of our love returns our affections. One guarantee I can give you is – if you allow yourself to open your heart to another, you will be hurt. You will be disappointed. At some point you will cry if you are loving correctly. You will question whether it is worth the bare your heart to the knife of love. Open another box of tissue and keep crying, my friend. Love is worth the price. Love transforms you. The one you love may or may not come around, may or may not try to salve the wounds that they create but that is of little consequence ultimately. The love you give makes you bloom like the harsh wind and driving rain blooms the sweetest rose.

The love you gave honors your loved one whether or not they are deserving. The love you give or the love you gave should never be forgotten because it defines you. Because you have loved and been hurt makes you wiser but somehow softer. You are richer, more complex and majestic for having given it. Don’t forget the love you offered up regardless of whether or not it was abused or rejected. It was a product of your heart and is a part of your story. Remember it and treasure it because it came up out of you, your best effort, your sweetest gift. It is not the person you offered it to, it is the best part of you and was woven of hope and beauty. And know that is not the only work of art you are capable of.

Touch my heart, Lord and bring forth love. While they scourged and hurt You is when You said “Forgive them.” As I strive to follow You, this is an important work, to love those who don’t deserve love. And this does not mean to leave myself in harms way or continue to be hurt for no reason, but to extend forgiveness to understand that I can forgive myself as well. I need not look at the love I offer others as my own weakness or foolishness. It is love. It is the crown of all emotion. Let me wear it.

Ki

Not only Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not the goal, not the end of my journey in this, my greatest life lesson. Thank you, Father for putting light onto my next step. I think I’ve got this right. There is much more. If a Christian’s purpose is to reflect Christ then we must take our example from the books of His life. Jesus did not only say “Your sins are forgiven.” He went on to say, “And to prove that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sin…” and then He would heal them. They would see again, walk again, be clean again, be restored, renewed and run on their joyous way to tell the rest of the world what Jesus had done in their lives.

Why did I ever think that John’s words, “I must decrease and He must increase,” were spoken in sadness? Certainly, an imperfect being would be eager to step aside to let glory pass by. When every art I had could not help my husband, God in His infinite wisdom, took me out of the equation. I’m not foolish enough to believe that J will no longer remember the multitude of things I said and did to convince him that his way was incorrect. Despite all I have read, seen, heard, tried to discover about my husband’s ‘condition’, it returns as always to Jesus. And every tiny portion of this whole tangle must be nailed to the cross with Him or it isn’t going anywhere. I could start now and write a list of questions that would occupy many for many months. Decrease the "me" in me, Lord and increase the You.

As my daughter entered adolescence I told her. Darling, you are going through some changes. You’re going from a girl to a grown-up woman in the next few years. Try to remember that all of us around you are not changing. You are the one changing. So when it appears we have all become fools in your sight, trivial and not to be trusted or believed – please recall – we have not changed. You have. The same is true for our relationship with our perfect parent, the Lord. We go through our valleys, sometimes crying out to Him, sometimes trying to be tough and walk it alone. He’s always there to help even when we stubbornly try to go our own way. But can we say that we’re growing? Like an adolescent learning independence and responsibility, do we make progress toward a goal? A Christian’s goal is to “be perfect” or perfectly emulate Christ in our lives. Malachi 3:6 “ For I am the LORD, I change not;” God is the ultimate landmark, our True North. His children must go through a lot of changes on their journeys from selfish sinners to the selfless perfection of the Savior.

Forgiveness – not so long ago I thought this was some big deal of an accomplishment. Maybe something I could consider from the healing distance of a year of separation. Now, Lord, I know it is merely a beginning. How I marvel at the impossible expanse of Your beautiful love and acceptance. How did I live contented to keep You on the shelf? Oh, You are a jealous God – and how guilty I am of putting You low on my list in the past. Never be jealous again. Oh Father, because of Jesus I can cry out to You like any petted spoiled child. Father, be near to me because You love me inexplicably. Be near me because You are all there is in the world worth knowing. When I keep my eyes on You everything else becomes easy – just like You said it would. Forgiveness? If You say so, Father. Healing? If You will it, Father. Your will, Father because it’s Your world.

Ki

Second Childhood

OK – it’s almost Christmas. I’m supposed to be acting like a kid again. Except that I’m acting like the kid I used to be. Or to be specific, the kid I was before meeting the person who was to become my 2^nd ex. I’m listening to The Bee Gees, (maybe I was Saved by the Bell!) and Jane Oliver – when she first came onto the scene. I’m watching Magoo’s Christmas Carol and Emmett Otter (yea!) And I couldn’t be enjoying myself more! As my anger, hurt and disappointment start to mellow (doesn’t everything with age?) I find I am going back in time and rediscovering more than a few of my favorite things. What I like to do, listen to, watch on the television, wear. I’m like the proverbial kid in the candy store. I know it’s not supposed to be about me – except that the Lord really is letting me realize just what a wonderful life (hey, it’s Christmas!) I truly have. How often do we find ourselves obsessing over what we don’t have, what we want, and what we’ve had taken away? Maybe we’re acclimated to that kind of thinking since we hear only bad news on the radio and tv.

Sidebar comment : You know, I’ll tell you about the news. No wonder cars and trucks cost so much! I bet they can be made for about $500 buck a piece except for the mark-up dealers do to pay for the damned commercials. Man, all I want is to see if a frigging tornado is bearing down on my head or if there’s some stretch of highway blocked off for morning rush to work, and I’ve got to watch like a dozen car ads! Morning news, evening news and the news at 11 – same thing. Cars and trucks. All kinds of shots choreographed with precision driving and retro rock to make me feel like everybody my age drives such and such a model. All that advertising, all those prime time bucks. Don’t they know that if I need a car then I’ll start looking around. Do people really watch the ads and say “Hey cool! Let’s go drop 30K because I saw your zippy SUV and heard a soundbyte of some defunct rock band”? Whew. OK. Glad that’s off my chest.

Instead, let’s do what they say in the corny hippie slogans – stop and smell the flowers. (I can say this – I once almost was a hippie or at least I loved that Youngbloods song). Maybe a lot of this life is to like, BE God’s kids. Let’s smell the breeze and look at that nest in the tree or watch that hill of industrious ants. Wanna color a picture? Let’s make stuff with clay. Cheez – can you take that SUV with you into the great beyond? If you leave all your dough to your kids, can they find a way to deposit it on account for use in the next world? Relax already! Think about what made you happy before you discovered you were a grown-up. I once read that one of the most relaxing things you can do is to listen to a cat purr. Check that. I’ve gotta flush this stress. Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.

Peace, Man.

Ki

Noble

Adjective

1. having excellent moral character, possessing high ideals or excellent moral character

2. relating to high moral principles, based on high ideals or revealing excellent moral character

A big part of the AA tradition is to make a fearless self inventory. To identify those we have harmed as a result of our addictions and to make apology to them and where possible, restitution. So far I’m finding this spiritual growth thing slow going, like trying to build a house, brick by brick, did I mention I also have to make my own bricks like the Israelites in captivity? Yet, it is coming along, or rather, I am crawling along and seeming to become more awake and aware of how our lives are all entwined, like so many degrees of separation.

Evidence: I had begun a message to my ex-love, with Christmas wishes as a very plausible excuse. I had filled it with all the many reasons, oh so cleverly disguised, why he was a fool to have lost me. But for some (fateful) reason I had not printed it. But, but, but. I slept on it. I replayed it. What was I trying to do? Thinking deeper. Oh, Friend, it so easy, so convenient and so self-comforting to delude ourselves about our motivations. You hurt me. I hurt you. Isn’t that simple enough? That’s nothing less than the way of the world, the expected way. That is not the Christian way, “The Way” that I am coming to know. I have every reason to be bitter and lash out - according to the world’s view. But what do I look like when the Almighty looks at me? My Bible says that His ways are not our ways.

What do I truly believe? That I married a flawed person? That I loved in a flawed way? I can do nothing else. Only God can love each of us perfectly. The man I loved above all else, including my own health and self-esteem, succumbed to mental illness. In a way I feel I abandoned him, that he shouldn’t be left to try to fend for himself But, but, but. The world says he has the right to choose his own path, even if that path destroys him. I must leave it to God. Then could there be any excuse for trying to ease my own pain by rubbing salt into someone else’s wounds? How can that feeling have anything to do with love? This man doesn’t even know he is inflicting wounds on himself – or Lord, he does know and is helpless to stop. God be with people who are so tortured!

Oh my lost one - how I loved him even as he slipped through my hands! My pleading, my explanations came to mean nothing and then he stopped hearing me altogether. Then I stopped pleading and explaining. Lord, give me peace. The recollection of that beautiful face, that familiar embrace, that voice opens up an ache for everything that the world said I was promised after loving him, having children together, caring for him and bearing his deceptions for the decades that will now forever mark my life. The world lied! We are not promised even one more hour with the one we love. Heed this. It is a lesson learned at great cost.

Now, what does the splendor of my God suggest to me? That though my beloved has cut me so deeply, he, as Jesus said, doesn’t even know what he does. Do I know what I do? Do I dare to voice what else I’m thinking? That my co-dependence has prolonged his illness? Do I dare admit this to myself? That I tried to help and made it worse? Doesn’t love cure everything? Or is that what the world says - again? I want to shut this all off and watch some other show. This one makes me feel uncomfortable.

But watch it I will, my Lord I told You that I wanted only Your will for my life. In that, at least, I did not lie though it seems the path has been littered with lies of every description – the worlds, the fairy tales, my partners, my own. I have a choice to look in the mirror and truly see who is there. I can choose to stay my own hand and not strike out. The only choice I ever have is the choice of what I will do. What must I do then, Lord? And then the still, small voice - You come immediately to my mind, to my ear. Praise You! Yes, Lord. I will praise You and thank You. Thank You for letting me experience such a love in my lifetime - imperfect as it was, as I am. It was a construction as beautiful as a perfect rose, and as fragile. Thank You for the wonder of parenthood and my beautiful children. Thank You, Dearest Father for bringing me to a point where I can recognize my shallow motivations. Let me strive toward that light however much it shows of my own sin. Let me become what You have in mind. Let me choose instead to act nobly.

Ki