Today, Aug. 8 was for many years, the anniversary of my wedding. I was aware of this all day. I felt agitated, resentful, wistful, anything but settled and serene. This evening I found myself alone and then I looked at my e-mail. Sure enough, my former spouse had sent an e-mail, frivolously marking the occasion. He’d sent some headlines of things that had happened on this date in history. I thought ‘What is he trying to say?” Does he just not know how to leave it be? If you kill something – have the decency to leave it buried. This trite reminder is disrespectful. But how much it is in keeping with the way he treated me at the end. Is this then how we treat the memory of something dear that has died? Then I thought that a marriage really doesn’t die. Nothing so final and formal. It fades like the colors of some old shirt. Like the joy does, like the hope does, fades like the respect and the love do. Like a plant, without watering – it shrivels and soon it’s just a dried husk of what it used to be. What hope is there for dead plants, and dreams?
And what would I have if I could have what my heart desires? God knows that I don’t even know. Do I have a heart? Desires? Tonight I want only to wrap myself in the black shroud of this aloneness, to feel it and let it chill me to the core so that some tomorrow I can emerge into the sunlight.
August 8th. It used to mean a day of promises and dreams. Today, August 8th is “Yesterday.” “Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play, now I need a place to hide away.” Well said, Paul. A day, or rather, a night to mourn. August 8 – may you fade and shrivel into something of a size that I can handle. Tonight, you are too much for me. Yet I know God’s mercies are new every morning. Lord, if You wake me, please give me new perspective on my yesterdays and if You are willing, my tomorrows. Good night.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Monday, August 01, 2005
The Beatles
"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:30-31).
On youth – well I can only comment on my youth and really, I wouldn’t want to go back there. But I do remember that in the past, in the beautiful moments – so often they were defined through the popular music – which was oftentimes back then, Beatle’s music. Didn’t I, so many times, try to let lyrics define what was happening in my heart? I’d let them speak for me. And as so often in life, we are defined by our youth, not just what happened to us that shaped us but on the way things were – as though we must maintain some kind of loyalty to our own generation. And so, my recent experience with divorce is no exception to that Beatles soundtrack. But it was a downward defining backdrop. “We Can Work it Out” gave way to “You’re Going to Lose That Girl.” An observation, a plea for rectification becoming a warning. A ‘warning’ that went unheeded. “I’m Looking Through You,” became “Nowhere Man.” The love of my life became someone I couldn’t even recognize. And finally – someone I didn’t want to know.
Finally, my own heart hardened over and my anthem now is “Not A Second Time”, not because he has sought another chance, not at all. It is the theme song of mistrust. No one will break this heart again, no never. Because I won’t trust again.
There is a Beatles song that I will sing forever to a special someone. “In My Life,” a song so poignant and wise that it seems impossible that men as young as Lennon & McCartney were in ’65 should have written it. I sing it to my Lord. He is the only one to be trusted, the only one who loves in a perfect and timeless way. Youth? Maybe it was wasted on me. Didn’t I fret foolishly over appearances? Didn’t I flirt and think that the world was to be found in the approval and desire of others? Silly, saddened person that I was. Lord, let me sing to You alone and enjoy this period of healing that Your perfect love has provided. “The Long and Winding Road”?, Lord lead me on it as long as it leads to You.
Ki
On youth – well I can only comment on my youth and really, I wouldn’t want to go back there. But I do remember that in the past, in the beautiful moments – so often they were defined through the popular music – which was oftentimes back then, Beatle’s music. Didn’t I, so many times, try to let lyrics define what was happening in my heart? I’d let them speak for me. And as so often in life, we are defined by our youth, not just what happened to us that shaped us but on the way things were – as though we must maintain some kind of loyalty to our own generation. And so, my recent experience with divorce is no exception to that Beatles soundtrack. But it was a downward defining backdrop. “We Can Work it Out” gave way to “You’re Going to Lose That Girl.” An observation, a plea for rectification becoming a warning. A ‘warning’ that went unheeded. “I’m Looking Through You,” became “Nowhere Man.” The love of my life became someone I couldn’t even recognize. And finally – someone I didn’t want to know.
Finally, my own heart hardened over and my anthem now is “Not A Second Time”, not because he has sought another chance, not at all. It is the theme song of mistrust. No one will break this heart again, no never. Because I won’t trust again.
There is a Beatles song that I will sing forever to a special someone. “In My Life,” a song so poignant and wise that it seems impossible that men as young as Lennon & McCartney were in ’65 should have written it. I sing it to my Lord. He is the only one to be trusted, the only one who loves in a perfect and timeless way. Youth? Maybe it was wasted on me. Didn’t I fret foolishly over appearances? Didn’t I flirt and think that the world was to be found in the approval and desire of others? Silly, saddened person that I was. Lord, let me sing to You alone and enjoy this period of healing that Your perfect love has provided. “The Long and Winding Road”?, Lord lead me on it as long as it leads to You.
Ki
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