The Lilies

Former Hopeless Romantic Stomps into the Sunset Under a Full Head of Steam
OK. Self-improvement under the gentle hand of the world's greatest teacher is confessedly the only way to attempt to mature. (Confessedly? Is that a word?). Anger. Anger. Anger. It's like a volcano, an elemental force with the same destructive power of the forces of nature. Except heartless, careless former "loves" are never affected. And admittedly that might be a simplification but there's no doubt in my mind that it hurts me and those around me more than it hurts those who actually should be punished.

Example? The father of my daughter has simply stopped paying his court ordered support. Gee, I wish I could just stop paying those bothersome bills that find their way into my mailbox every month. This is the same 'man' who wanted to fight for custody! Really? Maybe some cosmic dimension would have shifted if he had succeeded in getting custody and groceries would cost less there and kids wouldn't need school supplies or winter coats. I blessedly haven't seen him in 7 months but I can't imagine that he's grown less fat from going without food himself - or gotten leaner because he has to bicycle rather than pay for his van. But then there are priorities. And there is much wisdom in the phrase "Talk is cheap." A person can say anything they want to, lie to their kids, lie to others, lie to themselves.

Where does this leave us tonight? I can hear my caring (and clucking) sisters tell me I must move on. And truly I must. This entry is an example of the insidious nature of sin exhibiting itself in the fallen condition of humankind. In June of 2004 when I was in the midst of the actual fire fight, at a prayer disciples meeting I made up a list of the things I desperately needed God to provide for me if I was to actually step out on faith and leave the pathetic and hideous being that my husband had become. (Is truth not cruel in some realities?). When I revisited that list a year later each and every one of those prayers had been answered so completely as to remove any doubt about the ultimate outcome of my condition, physically, emotionally, responsibly and financially. I am able because the God I serve is able. OK again. I have seen His gracious provision. Yet I am still angry. Why? Because I have spiritual growth ahead of me as well as a little behind me.

Will I ever truly be able to turn the other cheek? If my goal is to imitate Christ how very long will that uphill road be! Even as I know He pulled me from quicksand that I had jumped into freely of my own will I can scarcely keep myself from revisiting the scenes of my former slavery! What I want to do - that I do not do. And what I do not want to do - that I do! It's as old as the gospel. As current as my heart beating faster in anger.

Will God provide groceries for my child? A winter coat? Of course, He will. Of course. He will. He is a perfect, loving father. Not like the tens of thousands of broken fathers, any one of whose stories I might have been telling here - not just the one who abandoned me and my family to pursue happiness in drugs and delusion. And in my striving with my own nature I pray Father, for that closer walk. I no longer pray with the desperate fervor that I once did for him. There is so much need in this world - like the hands that reach out at the Christmas season. It seems that for each loaf there are a million hungry mouths and for each fish 2 million! Only a God can fulfill the need. Fulfill the need in me, Lord. Drown the angry spirit with Your love. Overcome the darkness in my spirit with Your light. Like Easter, at Christmastime, bring me back to life. So let it be, my Savior.

MME