Small Essay #1 on Jesus

Black Swan at Waterside - just one example of the loveliness of God's provision for me. This was taken in my 'backyard' one sunny morning on a walk around the lake. A white swan lives on the lake as well but wasn't there this particular day. The white and black are quite fond of each other and are often seen in company together. If only people were as wise!

The Italian Gardens at Maymont. This is only one shot of many I made on an outing this summer. This beautiful Richmond park was the setting for many of the scenes in the movie, "Sally Hemmings."

Small Essay 1 on Jesus-

The world has seen many great minds come and shine in their respective fields of endeavor. I am even aware of modern day psychologists who have tried to attribute IQ scores to some of the great inventors and thinkers who lived before such tests to measure intelligence were fashioned. I have not seen any one of these projected scores for Jesus.

History does not doubt the existence of a 1st century poor man's philosopher-teacher known as Jesus of Nazareth. This man was significant through his application of the ideas of peace and brotherly love. Though he was born to a poor family in an occupied country under the often violent rule of Rome, he became one of the most influential figures that ever lived. The Western world even measures time according to this one man's birth and death. His life and wisdom is recorded in several accounts which appear in the best selling book of all time, the Bible. Jesus' genius was apparent in his political or rather non-political development of a practical philosophy of world peace. In more modern times, Jesus' philosophy was the basis for the ideology of individuals such as Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King Jr. Jesus, himself was his own best example of the philosophy in action when he went peaceably to his death by crucifixion at the hands of Romans who were influenced in convicting him by local religious officials who opposed Jesus' ideaology.

What kind of man is willing to die for an idea of peace? We might too quickly answer 'everyone who has died in a war' but that wouldn't be correct. Wars are fought for many reasons, often politically motivated but also for territory, defense, greed, gain or simply hatred. Jesus is remembered not just for his idea of peace or his death but the quotes attributed to him in the New Testament are profound, betraying a nearly unfathomable wisdom in the simplest language. His intellect is revealed as highly improbable for an uneducated laborer, (he was trained as a carpenter). Improbable also is the far-reaching vision of his plan - a plan to change the heart and mind of each individual so that the physical reality of oppression, want, hunger, anger, or any undesirable circumstance is experienced through the substitution of altruistic, higher thinking and behavior.

For this philosophy alone, Jesus may have been given a place in history. However, he was known not only as Jesus of Nazareth but Jesus Christ, or Jesus the Christ. Christ meaning Messiah, translated, the expected king and deliverer of the Jews. The Jews before Saul, had no king but the Lord God and according to sacred scriptures, they were given a king almost as a punishment for requesting one. God, of course, is the perfect king and any mere man would reign imperfectly in comparison. Scriptures record miraculous events surrounding Jesus' life, healings, prophesies and visions witnessed by large numbers of people. Jesus as Messiah moved from the realm of teacher/philospher to leader of a new religion. Those who followed his philosopy and also accepted him as an extension of God became known as Christians and faced and continue to face terrible persecutions.

Jesus as God and propitiation for sin will be the subject of another small essay.

Thanks for being here with me tonight, Friend.

Blessings to all,

Ki

Chinese Proverb

It was designed and stitched, sold and photographed and appeared in a magazine. Afterwards I framed it and hung it in the front hall of my house. I saw it every time I went out and then again, every time I came back in. It was done in cotton floss and metallic threads on a coffee colored linen, lovely really. I must have put it there because it was so pleasant to look at. Did I never really listen in my heart to what the stitched words said? "If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come." My tree has been so shrivelled and dry, so blasted by the cold reality of disappointment and betrayal. For a long season there has been no green. It has not been life really but adjustment. Could it be that now a spring approaches? These words have taken on meaning now because I can see that optimism is an exercise in faith. There is faith in sending a small bud of hope into the pale light of day. Faith is everything. Faith is believing that Christmas will come, and that there will be a Spring after the winter. And even, a singing bird.

Something new to be thankful for. God bless you all.

Ki

Baby Steps

Thank you, Lord. You have let me glimpse a light at the end of this tunnel of anger and pain. Thanks for taking the time to teach me, for loving me, for all of it, Father. No matter how giving or well-meaning I am, people really are going to use me and hurt me and let me down. Just as they did to You. And somehow, over the last few weeks I am beginning to believe I am capable of forgiveness. Not through anything that I can do. I'm just a bottom feeder grousing around in my puddle of self-pity and complaints, But with You at the wheel, unbelievable as it may seem, I think I can make this journey. Is this what real faith is, Jesus? Like the Christians walking out into the Coliseum. Were they dragged kicking and screaming or did they walk, heads up, maybe slowly but with the knowledge that You were with them? Am I really big enough to forgive? Shine through me, Lord because I'm only a fool. In wide-eyed wonder just floored that I can still learn a little something this late in the game. How patient You've been with me. And how true it is - that there can never be peace in the world if we can't get over the ones who hurt us personally, if we can't clear our own slates of all the petty human emotions that force us down, force us to keep scores. Isn't the earth full enough of people who want to get even for getting hurt? Isn't there enough blame and name-calling?

You are so beautiful. If only I could be like You just a little! What a light would be shone on every dark corner of my life! Lord, let me do the right thing, even if it's just in baby steps. Following you is not something I jumped into and You know too well. I came along hesitating, two steps forward, one step back. But ever let me come to You, however slow, however I fumble and trip. If I can put my head out of my shell just a little and even think about forgiveness for someone who continues to do wrong as the world measures it, then I am making progress aren't I?

Love to all,

Ki

Recycled

It's not too early to shop, wrap, pack for the blessed Christmas holiday. Not for me. And if you knew me you'd know I'm a recycler extraordinaire. So going through my great stash of Christmas wrap and bags I found an especially large and beautiful bag. I didn't remember buying it, as years run together lately in my memory. I checked the little gift card that was hanging from the handle and Yep, sure was a recycled bag (one that looked unused and was rescued from going out with the Christmas trash to serve again one day). The card said "Poppy", written in my very own script. Poppy was one of my affectionate nicknames for the someone I recently divorced. Let's see, there was also "Jumjie, Joebjie, Gummy." Hahahaha. All past tense. But the bag was truly beautiful, well worth keeping. I ripped the little card off and into several pieces. I'll recycle it - as I had intended to that unremembered number of years ago. And I'll unremember the lost pet names.

I did want to comment on the last post though. I thought about it, thought about just removing it but what it this thing anyway? A diary for the world to see? Our world is so small now. It's so close to the end - the way I read my Revelation. It is going to stay because I wrote it. It's the way I felt and I am only a fallible human trying to be more. This page is about my work toward a recovery. It takes time. There are emotions and rough spots. But it's going well. If I can help someone else work through the jumble of feelings when a long, long term relationship dies then good for me. If I can help someone else see that striving toward spiritual growth is just that - striving. I am not a puppet. So let's recycle by all means. But what's meant to be discarded, discard. What's meant to be saved, even treasured - well then, I'll save and treasure.

Peace to You,

Ki

The Lilies

Former Hopeless Romantic Stomps into the Sunset Under a Full Head of Steam
OK. Self-improvement under the gentle hand of the world's greatest teacher is confessedly the only way to attempt to mature. (Confessedly? Is that a word?). Anger. Anger. Anger. It's like a volcano, an elemental force with the same destructive power of the forces of nature. Except heartless, careless former "loves" are never affected. And admittedly that might be a simplification but there's no doubt in my mind that it hurts me and those around me more than it hurts those who actually should be punished.

Example? The father of my daughter has simply stopped paying his court ordered support. Gee, I wish I could just stop paying those bothersome bills that find their way into my mailbox every month. This is the same 'man' who wanted to fight for custody! Really? Maybe some cosmic dimension would have shifted if he had succeeded in getting custody and groceries would cost less there and kids wouldn't need school supplies or winter coats. I blessedly haven't seen him in 7 months but I can't imagine that he's grown less fat from going without food himself - or gotten leaner because he has to bicycle rather than pay for his van. But then there are priorities. And there is much wisdom in the phrase "Talk is cheap." A person can say anything they want to, lie to their kids, lie to others, lie to themselves.

Where does this leave us tonight? I can hear my caring (and clucking) sisters tell me I must move on. And truly I must. This entry is an example of the insidious nature of sin exhibiting itself in the fallen condition of humankind. In June of 2004 when I was in the midst of the actual fire fight, at a prayer disciples meeting I made up a list of the things I desperately needed God to provide for me if I was to actually step out on faith and leave the pathetic and hideous being that my husband had become. (Is truth not cruel in some realities?). When I revisited that list a year later each and every one of those prayers had been answered so completely as to remove any doubt about the ultimate outcome of my condition, physically, emotionally, responsibly and financially. I am able because the God I serve is able. OK again. I have seen His gracious provision. Yet I am still angry. Why? Because I have spiritual growth ahead of me as well as a little behind me.

Will I ever truly be able to turn the other cheek? If my goal is to imitate Christ how very long will that uphill road be! Even as I know He pulled me from quicksand that I had jumped into freely of my own will I can scarcely keep myself from revisiting the scenes of my former slavery! What I want to do - that I do not do. And what I do not want to do - that I do! It's as old as the gospel. As current as my heart beating faster in anger.

Will God provide groceries for my child? A winter coat? Of course, He will. Of course. He will. He is a perfect, loving father. Not like the tens of thousands of broken fathers, any one of whose stories I might have been telling here - not just the one who abandoned me and my family to pursue happiness in drugs and delusion. And in my striving with my own nature I pray Father, for that closer walk. I no longer pray with the desperate fervor that I once did for him. There is so much need in this world - like the hands that reach out at the Christmas season. It seems that for each loaf there are a million hungry mouths and for each fish 2 million! Only a God can fulfill the need. Fulfill the need in me, Lord. Drown the angry spirit with Your love. Overcome the darkness in my spirit with Your light. Like Easter, at Christmastime, bring me back to life. So let it be, my Savior.

MME

Immortality

Who can believe it? Who can not believe it? I will end. I will turn to dust and be gone. As if it never happened. I will be oblivious to everything - light, sound, feelings. Bruised heart will refuse to beat again and everything will fade to black. Even marble tombstones will weather and no one will be able to read what may have long ago been chiseled there.

Or - something else? Say what you want to but my beloved brothers Gibb say it so well in their lyrics - "We don't say goodbye."

"So this is who I am,
and this is all I know.
And I must choose to live,
for all that I can give,
the spark that makes the power grow.

And I will stand for my dream if I can,
symbol of my faith in who I am,
but you are my only.

And I must follow on the road that lies ahead.
And I won't let my heart control my head.
But you are my only. "

B., M., & R. Gibb

You are my only one. Who is this "You" for me? I love my children as any devoted mother. I love my siblings. They've given me much of the joy in my life. I love my relatives, my dear aunts, uncles, cousins and Mother, who truly deserves every one of those silly "Best Mom in the World" shirts and mugs. Surely the "You" is not either of my errant former spouses. But why pretend? I do know. The You is the He - not only the One but actually the only One. The constant, caring, tender and truly present perfect Love of my life. Born in the Middle East through a mystical union of the Spirit of God and the flesh of men. And I, foolish yet sublime creation that I am , have been invited to a cosmic existence without end. Do I shout Thank You, Jesus!? Is that pentecostal paraphrase up to the task ? Absolutely not! But words will never do. The Bible says "My soul pants after Thee, like a deer panteth after the stream". That may be a little closer but how does the single puzzle piece find meaning outside of the puzzle? That is how I felt apart from You. If my eyes ever leave you, Lord tear them from me. If my feet ever stray from following you then let them burn. Oh yes, Lord. I can never understand this invitation. I've been spun into being like cotton candy on a paper stick. You knew me before I was born, wrapped my essence in blood and bone so that I might perform in this play of Yours.

There is movement behind the set, stage hands are moving props into place. You have set me in this time, this act, this scene. Will I perform well? I know You are staying to watch me and You'll be here for the end. Maybe I will, too. I will take my turn and retire. And when I put my head down - there You are! Lighting every dark corner, hovering near. Thank You for being my friend and companion. Sweet Savior thank You that it is not the way it seems to the blind and fickle world. Your reality is more sublime than any creation - light, color, music. And Robin Gibb's voice? Lord, thank You!

Blessings to all,

MME