Random Complaint Night

Divorce support group. I just joined one online. According to their blurb, they have thousands of members. There sure are a lot of hurting people out there. Why is there so much divorce I wonder? It doesn’t make sense. Don’t we all want the same things? Love and stability? Companionship? Loyalty, a family, somebody who’s ‘got your back’? Somebody to shop for on holidays, cook for, to worry about? A set of eyes to look into and a shoulder to cry on? A hand to hold? What gives, Lord? What did I do wrong where others succeeded? When I see a cute little old couple - I turn away. When I think of my grandparents, remembering their sweet ways with each other, I feel as if all the wind has been knocked from my lungs. Where’s the promise, Lord?

I met someone who filled my vision. A smile and the edges of the world blurred. There was no other human more profound, more glorious, more destined for greatness in our century. Certainly, no one had ever been in love like I was. I forgot for a season that I was fatherless and poor. We were young. We ran away. We needed nothing but each other. I remember joyfully experiencing things as I never had before, colors, tastes, sounds. I recall being giddy with pleasure in the anticipation of our impoverished supper of rice and eggplant. The impossible beating of my heart as the time drew near for work to end so that we could be together. How many years did I carelessly think that love was mine or was guaranteed?

The proverbial rug surely was pulled out from under me. I’m sitting now, still shaking my head and struggling to my knees. Will I rise, Lord? Will my heart ever walk again? In the meantime – this aloneness is so bleak. It feels as if everyone everywhere knows I have failed. I loved too hard, too desperately. I found out later they call it codependency. My love could do no wrong. I wouldn’t see it. But surely there was something wrong. Now, on my knees, Lord, I contemplate my betrayal. On my knees, Lord. I guess that I am correctly situated now. Waiting on Your words. ‘Get up, take your mat and walk' Mark 2:9 No explanations necessary, Lord. Just stitch me up.

The healing’s going pretty slow. Maybe I’ll check out that on-line support group. Thousands according to the blurb. I’m not alone then. Kinda like the sound of that.

Good Night All,

Ki